How To Avoid Destroying Your Relationships: Episode 33

There is one thing that if not done right will undermine and destroy your relationships. But if you take the time and invest in this one key relationship principle, you’ll grow and strengthen your relationships.

Show Notes

Scott and Dina discuss the most important factor in preserving relationships, and that is communication. This may seem obvious. We’ve all experienced the positive and negative results that come from good and bad communication. What is not obvious are the underlying reasons that some attempts at communication are fruitful while others are less than satisfactory.

The first aspect of communication that is helpful to understand is that there are distinctly different styles, and certain combinations are very challenging. Much has been written about this area of human relations, but for purposes of this discussion we will examine three primary styles.

First are the volatile communicators. They tend to be loud and passionate. They frequently use hand gestures and you always know where they stand. This is a learned behavior and typical of certain cultures such as Italian and Middle Eastern. A side note is that passionate communicators report greater passion in other areas of their relationships.

Second are the negotiators. When conflict arises, they will thoughtfully acknowledge the other person’s point of view, and are ready to sit down and calmly discuss the matter. This will be viewed by many to be the Christian approach. There is typically less passion in their relationships.

A third distinct group are the avoiders. Their tendency is to walk away from conflict, avoiding it whenever possible. They hold onto the memories of past discomfort and resist any discussion that might lead to feeling that way again.

The reason it’s important to understand these different communication styles is that the greatest risk of destroying our relationships occurs when we fail at conflict resolution. This is when friendships are broken and marriages end in divorce. Conflict is inevitable, and how we handle it determines whether it’s going to damage or strengthen our relationships. While it might appear that the negotiators have a better grasp of conflict resolution, the fact is that none of the styles are wrong and they can all work. The key is that both parties use the same one. If they are predisposed to different styles, one or both must change. The good news is that communication styles can be chosen, and the conscious effort pays off. You can imagine the pain and frustration of a “volatile” and an “avoider” trying to work through a serious issue while stuck in their inherent styles. (Or maybe you don’t need to imagine this.) Even avoiders can negotiate as long as they feel safe and have a way out of the discussion at any given moment.

In summary, the first step is to determine what kind of communicator we are, then we identify the style of the person with whom we seek resolution. After that we either agree on the style we are both going to use or, if necessary, we accommodate the other person’s style. Finally we agree on the ground rules; what is allowed and what is not. Examples of what might not be permitted are name calling or threats. An allowed condition might be giving the other person some time and space if they ask for it. It’s as simple as that!

This is the formula for effective conflict resolution without destroying your relationships. For more helpful teachings on human (and spiritual) relations don’t miss an episode of NOTW Christian Podcast.

Surefire Way To Transform Your Day: Episode 32

You don’t have to stay in an emotional funk. There is a simple and surefire way to transform your day. It’s all about getting into a ‘Yes’ state.

Show Notes

Even the most upbeat people occasionally wake up feeling down, or some event allows anger and frustration to creep into their lives. Scott and Dina share a technique to quickly transform our perspective, restoring the peace and joy. A biblical reference that speaks to this is Psalm 42:5:

 Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me?    Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him. For the help of His countenance.

In this verse we see the importance of realizing that something is amiss in our heart, and to seek the Lord for His assistance in the matter. An amazing tool at our disposal is “self-talk,” not to be confused with “the power of positive thinking.” The latter is limited in scope, its success being conditional on a realistic goal. Dina uses the example of her becoming an NBA basketball player through hard work and positive thinking. It’s not going to happen. Self-talk, on the other hand, is a tool to be used in the moment and, when correctly applied, always bears fruit.

Scott makes reference to the “yes” state, characterized by positive thoughts, as opposed to the “no” state where thoughts are negative. To illustrate, he asks Dina to close her eyes and reads a list of words for her to consider: yes, absolutely, awesome, fantastic, wonderful, amazing, glorious, and yes again. She relates that she is uplifted. Then he recites a list of words and phrases to elicit the opposite effect: no, absolutely not, cannot be done, impossible, boring, lame, stupid, no, and never going to happen. Dina says she felt the joy being sucked out of her and began to feel stressed. She expresses amazement because it is not in the context of anything actually going on in her life. When we begin to associate thoughts with ourselves, the world around us, or other people, they become more powerful yet. Good or bad, they affect us mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically. Scott and Dina think it best to repeat the first list–the “yes” words.

As Paul instructs us in Philippians 4:8:

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

And, of course, it always helps to remember what God has done, and continues to do, for us. His eternal blessings include dying for us, residing within us as the Holy Spirit, calling us His children, forgiving all our sins, giving us Christ’s righteousness, loving and accepting us, and much more.

To transform your day (and your life) don’t miss an episode of the NOTW Christian Podcast.

The Activist Mommy: Episode 31

If you haven’t heard of The Activist Mommy, you’re either not on Facebook or you live under a rock. Elizabeth Johnston, The Activist Mommy says the kinds of things most Christians think but don’t have the courage to say and because of her boldness, she strengthens the spines of others to stand up for their faith and biblical values as well.

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Forgiveness: Episode 30

Bitterness and unforgiveness can cause spiritual, mental, emotional, and even physical problems in your life. Forgiveness is the key to healing and freedom. In this episode, Scott and Dina talk about how to get on the road to forgiveness.

How To Hook Your Holy Hottie: Episode 29

Discover the 3 simple steps to hook your holy hottie. In this episode, Scott and Dina share the 3 things you can do to find Mr or Mrs right… and keep them!

The Big Announcement (feat. George Clerie): Episode 26

How do you partner with God to transform your life? George Clerie talks about how God is writing an amazing story in your life and we need to take steps of faith to partner with God to see His story in your life. Also… he makes a BIG announcement!

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From Surviving To Thriving In Life: Episode 25

How to go from a life where you’re just surviving to a life where you’re thriving? In this episode, Scott and Dina share the three things that will cause your life to really thrive.

NOTW Christian Podcast Links & Resources

Show Notes

Scott and Dina explore the three important areas we must consider to move from a life of just surviving to truly thriving.

First, we must choose whether we are going to live our lives by design or by default. Default is the way of the world and is reactionary, whereas living a life by design is a conscious decision and is proactive. Default is living as others tell us or because it’s how everyone else does it. Living by design means choosing our life and it requires sacrifice. A life by default requires sacrifice too, but it comes later on, and is imposed rather than chosen. A classic example of default is pursuit of career and material things at the expense of relationships. A life by design begins by determining/agreeing upon what’s important and then being true to those values. This requires focus and discipline but the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices.

Once we have determined the design of our lives, it’s time to get training from others who know more than us. At the same time we need to unlearn the paradigms that are undermining us and keeping us from succeeding in life. We all have them as a product of our past experiences and they are what stand in the way of living the life we want. It is here that outside counsel is so critical; not from a peer but from someone with more life experience. We are too close to the issues that hinder us to be able to see them objectively and resolve them without help. The #1 secret of highly successful people is that they seek out others to coach and mentor them. This is a universally accepted strategy that is also a biblical truth. In every aspect of life we have the opportunity to benefit from the experience of others and to integrate into our lives those qualities we most admire. The kind of training we need is determined by our chosen design.

The last topic, one that Scott calls a “cold, hard truth,” is this: “If you want a different outcome in life, you need to begin to make different choices.” A life lived by default is characterized by just surviving, hoping for our circumstances to change, or for God to do something, or for some other force to make a difference in our lives. We see ourselves as victims, and we blame our unhappiness on our spouses, parents, children, bosses, jobs, roommates, etc. It’s not their fault. “The only person responsible for you not thriving is you!” This is where choosing a design for your life changes everything. Once you’ve identified what’s important to you, then it’s time to equip yourself for success through training and mentoring. These are the first steps to fulfilling a God-sized purpose in your life. Will it be easy? No. Will there be setbacks and disappointments? Yes. Is it the only way to change your life from just surviving to truly thriving? Absolutely!

 Thank You For The Podcast Reviews

Your written iTunes reviews encourage me and they help other people find this Christian podcast. If you appreciate the information I share, please write your own review on iTunes!


Don’t forget to grab your FREE Identity resource or to join the Not Of This World Christian Podcast Facebook Group

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To ask your questions or share your feedback you can: